I am being serious.
Meet John-Michael: father of two kids that are mostly perfect except when they're not; home owner; has a cute purse-puppy; pays for dates 1-6; likes to ski, hike, watch The Bachelor, blah blah blah.
Here is why I am putting my brother up for auction: nothing happened to him after he turned 30. I on the other hand had everything happen.
Two years ago after my 32nd birthday, we were grocery shopping. I was eyeing a box of pre-packaged sushi, when I saw something reflect off the plastic wrapping. It was my chins. I suddenly had two of them. I felt the kind of panic that happens when you've taken the wrong driving exit, and Google Maps won't update.
"What is this," I asked John-Michael.
"These tomatoes, or the cherry ones?" He said to no one.
"JOHN-MICHEAL!" He lowered his reusable shopping bag with dancing polar bears.
I could tell he was taking me serious now.
I pointed to the chin below my chin.
"Oh yeah, mom has one of those too."
"How did this happen," I asked.
"Hannah, after 30 things just get older and uglier."
A woman pushing a cart behind us said, "Preach."
He gave her a thumbs up.
"Seriously, which tomatoes," John-Michael asked again.
It only got worse. I discovered my two chins also had a roommate: smile wrinkles. They brought along their friends hair-stops-growing, who also invited everything-turns-to-weight-gain.
After I got sick of wearing turtlenecks in the summer, I had had enough. I rang my body up.
"Hello," the chins answered.
"Hi, it's Hannah here. I am declaring war on you. Just a heads up."
"Get real. You don't stand a chance."
I hung up without saying goodbye.
There are millions of products out there being marketed by people who look like they could still get a role on Disney Channel, so I didn't trust them. Instead, I turned to the products I do trust made by vendors who I trust.
🥥 CocoPrana: is created in small batches with pure coconut in a granite stone grinder. It works not just as ideal "everything" spread, but also as an anti-aid to aging.
- Internally: I replaced butter for CocoPrana. The organic, healthy fat reduces my hunger and the fatty acids help internal inflammation, which was adding to weight gain. However, one of the biggest differences I noticed was in my skin. The anti-inflammatory properties of CocoPrana replaced my puffy-morning face with a dewy college girl glow.
- Externally: Colorado is so dry, you become dehydrated by just looking out your window. This only exacerbates slow hair growth in your 30's, because dehydration leads to jungle split ends. By using two Tablespoons of CocoPrana as a hair mask once a week, the split ends dramatically improved, and my hair is growing again. Recently, I have been using their Vanilla and Chocolate flavors, as it leaves my hair with a wonderful scent post mask.
🐟 Cofo Provisions: A collagen supplement that is made with wild-caught marine collagen peptides. This is like my miracle packet. It gives natural energy, reduces inflammation, restores cell regeneration and bone strength; gives mental clarity, and increases stamina.
- Externally: Cofo collagen is my secret weapon to fight the loss of skin elasticity as we age. By replenishing my body with Cofo Provisions (2-3 times a week respectively), I noticed an improvement with visible wrinkles both under my eyes and around my mouth.
🌟Glow and Gather: Co-founder, Sarita, created a cream that is 100% all natural. Which, I never knew literally doesn't exist anywhere else in a cream. Sarita's skin has this organic glow to it that makes her look a human doll. I figured she was doing some $500 a month product routine, but no. She just uses her afforadble products, so now I do too.
- Externally: Glow and Gather Whipped Body Butters didn't turn me into Sarita, however they cured my hands of cracks caused by sun damage and dehydration. I also use the Shimmer Balm under my eyes, and it gives them an effortless sparkle.
🏋️♀️ Weird Facial Exercises: Unfortunately, I have yet to find a local vendor to get rid of the chin twins. But I did start going to Anytime Fitness in Downtown Littleton. Zavier, who is one of the trainers, showed me an exercise that is free vs botox which is not.
Imagine you need to kiss a giraffe. Lift your face up, and look at the ceiling. Slightly bring your lower jaw forward; pucker your lips. A tight feeling, or tension, around your neck should happen. Hold it for 5 to 8 seconds and release. Repeat as many times as you can (5-10).
So now back to the auction. All of this to say, we ladies have to do a lot. John-Michael just turned 35, and seems to be aging backwards. (Maybe that is most men, I don't know, but it's not fair.) So how about he treats one of you to a date at my favorite restaurant Sushi Basho to show some appreciation for us.
For him to win a date with you, simply post in the comments of this blog, or on our instagram page, a number from 1-15. I will ask him to pick a number, and voila--winner selected. Keep a lookout, because I will be sliding into your DMs to set things up.
My chins and I wish you all the best date ever.
~Hannah King, Owner
ABC Provisions: feel good about what you're eating.